Thursday, February 16, 2006

Cancel My Memebership

By: Lisa Otter

Me: All right I’ve waited long enough. I’m making the call to cancel my membership. This is the day I’m going to finally cross it off my list!

Operator: Club Procrastination. Ms. Delay speaking, how may I direct your call?

Me: Hi. I’m wondering if you could help. I need to cancel my membership.

Operator: No. I can’t help. You will need to speak to the director of membership services.

Long Pause

Me: Hello? Are you still there?

Operator: Yes?

Me: Well, will you please connect me?

Operator: Huh? Right now? Oh sure one moment please.

Puts down phone. Sounds of filing nails and rustling of paper; followed by a long silent pause. Ring ring ring ring ring.

Director of Membership Services: Hello. You have reached the voice mailbox of Tom Morrow. I’m always away from my desk but if you leave your name and number I’m sure it is quite possible that I may eventually get back to you. If this is of an urgent matter please press zero and ask to speak to my secretary Ms. Delay. Beep.

Me: Hi. My name is Lisa Otter and I need to cancel my membership. Please call me back so we can proceed with the necessary paper work. I am sure there are some forms I’ll need to sign.

Several weeks pass with no call from Club Procrastination.

Operator: Club Procrastination. This is Ms. Delay speaking, how may I direct your call?

Me: Oh hello Ms. Delay. I think we spoke a few weeks back. I left a message for the director of membership services and have not heard from him. I think his name is Mr. Morrow.

Operator: Yes. That’s right, Tom Morrow, though he never comes in to the office.

Me: What?

Operator: He did however tell me you may call someday. Although it is my personal belief that somedays never come.

Me: Does he have the paperwork ready for me to sign?

Operator: Paper work? Ha! No! But he did however leave you a message. Would you like me to read it?

Me: That would be nice.

Operator: Let’s see, I think I left it over here. Oh yes here it is. Clears her throat. It says he regrets to inform you but he will be unable to process your request...

Me: What?

Operator: Says here you have a lifetime membership in Club Procrastination.

Me: So?

Operator: Well Lifetime Memberships are nonrefundable, nontransferable, noncancellable, nonnegotiable, and are not ever intended to be terminated. It is part of your unalienable rights.

Me: But I want to cancel my membership!

Operator: I’m afraid that will not be possible, didn’t you just hear what I said?

Me: Yes I did, but I don’t want to be a member anymore. I want my name removed from your system and from your mailing list. I am sick and tried of receiving your mailings. Did you know the seminar mailings always come three weeks late? Anyhow I make lists now. I’m a real doer. I don’t put anything off.

Operator: You are making lists?

Me: Yes!

Operator: Oh I see. This is serious. Please hold for one moment.

Me: Why?

Operator: Well I’m going to connect you to someone I believe can help you.

Me: Yes! Really? I think I’m finally getting somewhere! Who are you connecting me to?

Operator: Our list prevention specialist. She is excellent, just excellent. She’s a real miracle worker. She helped my Uncle Fred with his nasty little list habit back in the late 90’s. He’s completely cured now. I think you will be very pleased with her. She’s the best of the best.

Me: Really?

Operator: Oh yes, she is.

Me: But I don’t really want to be cured. I love making lists. In fact I’m making one right now.

Operator: Stop! Put down the pen. Back away from the list. I will connect you immediately! Do you need me to call an ambulance for you ma’am?

Me: What? No! Listen I’ve got to go. There’s something I need to do.

Operator: No! Please don’t go.



GreenishLady said...

That is hilarious! Following the thing to its logical and ridiculous conclusion! - Brilliant, Lisa. My day has officially started with a laugh. Thank you. Now, maybe I'll go and do something I've been meaning to do, or maybe I'll let it wait til tomorrow...

In Otter Space said...

Important message to Kara (A.K.A. Spirit Doll) ~ Thank you for tagging me. This piece was born from your tag!

Joy Eliz said...

This is fantastic! Very clever

tess said...

LOL!!! This is great, Lisa! My most favorite element: "Our list prevention specialist"--that's a scream!

Good luck gettin' out of the club! Did you finish your list?! :)

Kara said...

Oh, Lisa, I can barely type this because I am still laughing to the point of tears. I'm having such difficulty with canceling my membership too. Would you know that I said I was going to make that phone call and make that appointment - well, I dithered around trying to figure out who to call and wouldn't you know I didn't call. But when I saw your comment this morning I knew - that I must go call - so I did before I came here. And so glad I did. Thank you thank you!!!
- would you mind if I made a copy of this - just to have on my computer to remind me? It's so inspired and laughter helps ease the pain of what can be such an internal struggle.

elite_investor said...

This made me laugh thanks!