Monday, February 13, 2006

The Dark Side of My Reality

I am having a crummy day.

Being a mother is always so much tougher in real life than in the movies. There are no cute little wrap-ups with beautiful fade aways....everyone smiling. The truth is being a mother is the damn hardest job I have ever had. My son is "spirited". That is the P.C. way of saying he raises hell and gives me hell everyday. And I feel like I'm living in hell. I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only mother to raise a "spirited" child but today I'm just having a horrible time of it.

I have been trying so hard lately to be an artist, a writer but who am I fooling? As my dad use to say, "the easiest person to fool is yourself." And you know he's right! I basically suck at everything I touch. I mean I'm not totally horrible but then again I'm not that great either. So what is the point?

Whoever reads this... Thanks for listening to my pity party.

re·al·i·ty (rē-ăl'ĭ-tē) n., pl. -ties.

The quality or state of being actual or true.
One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual: “the weight of history and political realities” (Benno C. Schmidt, Jr.).
The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.
That which exists objectively and in fact: Your observations do not seem to be about reality.


Kara said...

Oh, I'm not a mother but I believe they have the toughest job ever. In fact on this Artist Way journey I admire the mothers participating the most because I'm just sure they are often feeling as if it's not worth it. Heck, I feel that sometimes so I can only imagine what a mom would be experiencing. I just want to tell you it's good to have a pity party sometimes - go for it - wallow - but please don't make any big decisions about your worth.
Sorry, I feel I must write you a long comment. I read a book last year called "It's Easier Than You Think" by Richard Carlson and this is the main advice I pulled from that book - I even wrote myself a card to pull out in desperate moods. Here is what I wrote:
This Too Shall Pass - Don't take a plummetted mood personally - don't try to figure out the why of the mood. Take it easy - don't make big decisions. Take a walk, take some deep breaths. Things will look better tomorrow or maybe in a few hours. Take a Golden Pause (Carlson's term) - 2- 10 minutes sit and breath - be still -interupt any moment to appreciate I'm alive.
Blessings to you Otter and to your son and forgive me if I've given too much of a sermon. Maybe the short version is I hear you and I think you are worth it.

tess said...

Don't take this the wrong way, OtterMom, but your post really made me laugh--just the raw honesty of it. Kara said all the important things already, so I will direct you to something that hopefully will make you laugh:

take care.

GreenishLady said...

I think Kara said it too, but want to let you know I'm here for you as well. My hands-on mothering is behind me, but I certainly couldn't have done anything beyond the basics of life-support for the family for many years, and hugely admire the Mothers who are working the AW here. ... And even if you are not so great at some things..(and I think you might be judging yourself harshly there) yeah, well, that's actually allowed too, you know. I believe Van Gogh said it takes a lot of work to get from bad to mediocre. That comforts me.

Ok. Lecture (stage 1) complete.

Living Part Deux said...

Hi! Thanks for visiting my site today and introducing yourself - and for your lovely words! You are absolutely not alone in the feelings you are experiencing. Many of us have felt the same - about mothering and about the futility of whatever we are currently pursuing. Your other friends here have said it well - the feelings will pass - they really will - and you will again feel competent and energized and inspired and confident in your mothering and your artistic pursuits. Take it from me!!!

Southern Sweetheart said...

While I am not a mother I can certainly appreciate the fact that you guys that are do have an amazing, challenging, sometimes trying, but ultimately rewarding job -- being a mother is the greatest job some of us are ever given & while I'm sure you feel like you fail at times, no one could ever be the mother to your spirited child that you are. You were "matched up" for a reason my friend. Don't beat yourself up about what you consider to be a "horrible time of it" - none of us ever have perfect days. :)

Thanks for stopping by my blogs today and leaving a little note. I appreciate it and hope you'll be back! :)

Leah said...

oh, i so admire you and all the other moms doing this work. you are role models to me as i hope to be a mom in a few years.

i know sometimes it's helpful to vent and get all those negative thoughts out of our head and then we feel better. but just in case you are not feeling better or you still have are so talented! i absolutely adore the leaf card you made, your journal cover and other stamp work you've done. i enjoy reading your posts and i think you're wonderfully creative!! so, what i'm trying to say is, don't fool yourself into thinking that there's no point to your creating. there's only one of you out there who can do what you do. keep on keepin on girly!

Dida said...

I've got a 2 1/2 year old boy who caused me to run away Monday. I left an hour early for a hair appointment because I just had to walk away.

You're not alone! The one thing I've found is that blogging mothers are either very supportive or very judgemental. The ones who say their kids are angels are lying. We all have our moments (or hours or days) where we wonder why we decided to have kids in the first place.

When I got done with my hair appointment, I came home and listened to him falling asleep in his room through the monitor, softly singing away, sighing and yawning. That little voice melting my heart, making it all worth it...

Holly said...

ah geez. I hear you on the crummy day part. And if I had little ones running around I really think I just might jump off a bridge...but then you know my feelings on that. Does it help that not having kids makes you wonder what the heck your purpose is??????